After I touched upon Hades' and Persephone's story in last night's blog, an idea for a humorous spoof-like spin-off on the Greek myth popped into my head. Things conspired to make a joke out of my sarcastic remark about PMS and it's purpose for existing in the general scheme of things.

The story of Hades', notorious Greek god of the underworld, and Demeter's daughter, Persephone revolves around how Hades managed to trick Persophone, who loathed him to the highest point of Olympus, into being his queen for half the number of months in a year by tempting her to allow seeds from the promegrenate (yes, the fruit whose name I couldn't call to mind the night before inspite of it being just at the tip of my tongue was a promegrenate, I even toyed with the idea of it being a persimmon) fruit to touch her lips, the general rule of that time seeming to be that should she have eaten anything, anything at all from the realm of Hades', she would have to remain with him and since she was prevented from consuming all the seeds in the fruit by the arrival of Demeter and a rescue party from Olympus, it was decreed by Zeus that she would remain with Hades' for only six months of the year. It's actually the Greek myth that explains why there is a summer and a winter. Anyway, that's what really happens in the Greek version for those who prefer that one to the twisted one which a certain goddess who makes a point to keep abreast with the true going-ons beneath Olympus' airbrush perfect landscape told me in confidence a few hours ago, and who prefers to remain anonymous lest she feel one of Zeus' famed thunderbolts frizz her coiffure.

Hades had the object of his desire, the lovely Persephone, in his realm of the underworld. She had found Charon, the boatman of the river Styx, amusing and had argued with him about his overpriced charge of transporting souls across the river Styx, pointing out that his boat was leaky, and did not even need gasoline to run as it had never seen a motor, worse, since the river was so polluted that it was in itself an environmental hazard, he was lucky that she didn't report him to the Greenpeace much more pay his exorbitant fee of a silver coin. The boatman attempted to argue against her using the price of manual labor in his defense, but she was so adamant and so tightfisted that he finally let her off on the other side of the river for free just to be rid of her.

Hades was puzzled to see Persephone in a state of agitation but finally surmised that the boatman had probably terrified the delicate girl into witlessness, it wasn't an entirely uncommon reaction to Charon from those he had ferried across. He had no knowledge as to how before disgruntling his boatman that she had found the three headed Cerberus adorable and had unnerved the poor hound so with her attempts to kiss his noses that the dog was in a state of hyperventilation and would probably end up in a worst state of dementia than ever before.

Had he known all this perhaps he wouldn't have grieved so that she had eaten only six seeds from the promegranate. Had he known that the months when the earth would blossom with fruits and flowers with the sun shining upon it would in fact be the months when she would be 'imprisoned' with him in the underworld, he would've thought twice about tempting her to eat with such ardor. Had he known that Zeus had had to practically threaten Demeter with embargoes on the amount of sunshine he sent to the earth daily in order for her trees and flowers to thrive if she did not make the trip to the underworld to rescue his already brooding, and now apparently, lovesick, sibling from her errant daughter, he would've reconsidered the merits of remaining as Olympus' most eligible bachelor, at the very least he would've performed the heimlich maneuver on her before the first seed even found its way to her digestive track.

Hades was a crafty one though. He had placed great thought into what fruit it would be best to tempt Persephone with. He initially thought of presenting her with a mango for its delicious sweetness would surely be irresistible even to the most reticent palate, but it was out of season and his smitten heart could not envision the thought of being content with her being with him for just one month of the long and lonely year seeing as how a mango had only one seed. He couldn't very well bring himself to tamper with his future mother-in-law's produce, seeing as he was still trying to win her over and producing genetically engineered mangoes with multiple seeds would hardly serve to further his cause.

He toyed with the idea of tempting her with a jackfruit, true it too had only one seed as well but who could possibly survive swallowing a seed of that size? Being dead, she'd have no choice but to remain forever in the underworld, but then she'd do so as a shade, ephemeral as smoke, and Hades, being extremely touchy for a God, knew that that it just wouldn't do. It didn't take long for him to realize that using a jackfruit would jeopardize his romantic illusions.

He finally hit upon the perfect fruit, the promegrenate. It was a fruit local to his realm and which had numerous seeds. It was delectable enough so much so that he could definitely tempt her to eat a number sufficient to keep her with him for enough months of the year to make him happy, maybe even the whole year if he was lucky enough. Hades could hardly keep from jumping up and down with delight. Only his mile-long, heavy velvet cloak and the crown of obsidian jewels on his head kept his feet on the ground, reminding him that though he was on the verge of sealing a Mutual Understanding that the god of the Underworld need not be behaving like an insipid cupid.

Preoccupied as he was by his thoughts on how to tempt her to eat, Hades did not notice that she had plucked a fruit uninvited, being hungry enough by now to find the Gorgons appetizing. He should have realized that something was amiss by the way she bit off the seeds with her mouth instead of daintily and politely plucking them with her fingertips, having have spent too much of his immortal lifetime in the company of souls who had not much use for food or drink or conversation, Hades was too busy coming up with ways to get her to taste the promegrenate to notice the arrival of Hermes and Demeter, white horses, blaring trumpets, and an arsenal fit to welcome a Greek goddess and all.

By that time it was too late, Persephone, her cheeks and chin smeared by the juices of the promegrenate, had eaten six seeds, and he would be stuck with her forever. Dense by nature and too numbed with joy to comprehend that it was him they were rescuing from Persephone and not the other way around, it never occured to Hades that the tears shed by Demeter upon learning that Persephone had eaten six seeds from the promegrenate fruit, which meant that she would have to stay with Hades for six months of every year were tears of joy and not sadness.

He didn't realize until the next year, and the rest, as they say, is all mischief.